Today is just a LOVELY day
Oh, hey you guys!
Today I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, as a matter of fact I woke up on the best side I've woken up in quite a while now. I felt homey, I don't know if you know the feeling. It feels as if you are where you should be, you know that feeling you get when you wake up on Christmas- morning at home, and you just know you are where you belong. That's the feeling I woke up with. And how lovely it feels to finally accept ones' situation. Where I am today, the person I've grown up to be. And how I've changed in the past few years, how much I've really grown up and grown in to the person I'm meant to be.
I've learned to accept the person I am, and that's taken me quite some time and shitloads of effort. Pardon my French, if you can.
I'm still working on it, on a daly basis but you know what's the absolute best thing about it? I see the results in the people around me, and how they feel about me but also in the ways they treat me. For the better I feel about myself and the situation I'm in the more focus is put on something or someone else. It might sound crazy, but deep down inside you know what I mean and that it is, in a way, very true.
Today though I finally felt like taking care of the space around me, to work on bringing the peace in to my home. Because that has actually been my way of isolating myself from everyone, by keeping it as untidy as possible. It's sort of been my safetynet, if all else fails I know it's the place where I'm always left alone. Which maybe sounds crazy, and it probably is but it's been my way of keeping my peace.
But now, after all this time I feel ready to unclutter it. Maybe not all of it straight away, but piece by piece. And after all, I'm in no rush. I've been doing this for the past 18 years or so, so a couple of months here and there really don't make any difference. But if I rush it I'll just put up a mental blockage and then I'll just postpone it even more.
What you might not understand is, I hold on to things that hold memories for me. And I know the real memories are in your head but I have a relly hard time letting go of things. I mean a REALLY hard time. I'm an obsessive person, and as one I tend to get all crazed out if I throw something that has a memory attached to it. Be it good or bad. But I'm working on letting go of things, but I still have my meltdowns. My hissyfits, but they're fewer and more spread out. The goal is to stop obsessing all together. I've sort of gotten rid of my OCD when it comes to bacteria and germs, or at lest it's down to a recordlow level. You might wonder how these two add up, my hoarding and OCD well, hehe, that's where my depressions usually started. It's untidy, and where that is there are germs and yet I can't let go of things and so there you have a Catch-22 so I get depressed like hell and just want to give up on everything.
But now finally, THANK GOD, I'm out of that depression and clearing everything out. Secrets and isolation aren't my numbers. I'm a talkative social person who can't be enclosed. It doesn't suit me. This I found out just recently, can you believe that?
All these years everyone knew and told me, but I didn't listen. I couldn't understand.
Now you know my secret. And I'll tell you just one more today; I don't like it when people touch me. But I love physical contact. Yes yes, I'm wierd. But I'm working on it. And at least I'm honest and upfront.
Thank you all so much for your time, and don't be strangers, Oh by the way, feel free to comment I love to get responses on my texts.
Thanks yet again,
Belma
Something I found, kind of wierd and funny; what with me being a leader and teacher. It's written in the stars: http://www.belmas.org.uk/
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