Hi everyone,
It's 04.56(a.m) and yet another night I'm up. This time cleaning out my apartment, or my room or whatevere you call it. Or, I'm cleaning all the garbage out. All the extra stuff that I've been keeping under my bed. I've also refurnished and I'm mighty happy. Now I'm taking a small break from that and sat down to listen to some great tunes and to scribble down a few 'lifeinstructions' when I was suddenly hit by this overwhelming and familiar feeling.
The one, everyone has felt at some point, where you feel like you're drowning in all the wonderful tunes that are coming out of the speakers. It's like falling in love, but more gratifying and just plain and simple pleasure. Music has a great effect on me and my mood. Certain songs can make me cry, no matter how happy I am. Dolly Parton's "Coat of many colors" is one of those, I know what she's singing about, I've worn that coat for so long.
As a child of war I truly do know what she speaks of, having no money but still being proud of yourself and your family. Just standing up for them, because it wasn't our fault that we had to flee the country, in the middle of the night after having spent countless months in different basements, fearing for your life.Then, you finally catch a break and get to go to another country where you think you'll get a chance to start over.
Where you think that all the bad is in the past, but where you're greeted by people who push you down and bully you because you dress differently. Because you don't have any money, because you don't speak their language quite as good as they. But I don't blame the kids who were picking on me, I am after all a child of war and you know what they say; sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. No the children didn't know better, but the adults. They should know.
And they never stop amazing me, with their remarks and the looks. Never stopping to think for a moment on the effect their remarks and looks have on the people who recieve them. Or rather who are subjected to them.Why are we so cruel to people who are different from us? Whos lifepatterns differ from ours? Why don't we embrace the differences and see them for what they are; opportunities to learn something new. Maybe something better, at least a chance for change.I don't know.
But I do know this, I've gone through alot in my 20 years on this planet, and I've had to deal with alot of it on my own while my parents (two true fighters) where out trying to provide for our family. I've had to grow up pretty fast, too fast and what effect it's had on me everyone can see. I'm so used to do everything on my own, to fight my and everyone elses battles on my own that I've become distanced from everything. It's easier to not feel anything, to just let go of emotions or to sweep them under the rug.
But now, after all this time, I've finally started to realize my problems. I can't deal with everything on my own, and if I keep pushing everyone away from me at some point they're not going to come back. And I'll end up alone, again. And that is a fear I've had for a long, long time. But I'm a survivor, I manage to land on my feet most of the times. And if I wasn't I wouldn't be here today. Many people who have been through half of what I've been through have given up and ended their young lives. I'm not about to do that, not now after all the stuff I've managed to pull through. I have a pretty firm grip around life, and I won't give it up for anything. Not for a long, long time.
And if I lose all I still have music, a great comfort. Because it let's me relax for a moment to truly lose myself in it. In that moment, when all is good and the darkness is so so far away. On a different continent and with it all the fears. I'm here today because my mother never lost faith in me, and because of the help I've gotten from music. So when they say that music takes lives, remember me and know that it couldn't be further from the truth.
And I am writing this simply because of my love for music and for life. With a big thank you to my mother, who forever will be my one and only hero!
Thanks for your time,
Bell
It's 04.56(a.m) and yet another night I'm up. This time cleaning out my apartment, or my room or whatevere you call it. Or, I'm cleaning all the garbage out. All the extra stuff that I've been keeping under my bed. I've also refurnished and I'm mighty happy. Now I'm taking a small break from that and sat down to listen to some great tunes and to scribble down a few 'lifeinstructions' when I was suddenly hit by this overwhelming and familiar feeling.
The one, everyone has felt at some point, where you feel like you're drowning in all the wonderful tunes that are coming out of the speakers. It's like falling in love, but more gratifying and just plain and simple pleasure. Music has a great effect on me and my mood. Certain songs can make me cry, no matter how happy I am. Dolly Parton's "Coat of many colors" is one of those, I know what she's singing about, I've worn that coat for so long.
As a child of war I truly do know what she speaks of, having no money but still being proud of yourself and your family. Just standing up for them, because it wasn't our fault that we had to flee the country, in the middle of the night after having spent countless months in different basements, fearing for your life.Then, you finally catch a break and get to go to another country where you think you'll get a chance to start over.
Where you think that all the bad is in the past, but where you're greeted by people who push you down and bully you because you dress differently. Because you don't have any money, because you don't speak their language quite as good as they. But I don't blame the kids who were picking on me, I am after all a child of war and you know what they say; sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. No the children didn't know better, but the adults. They should know.
And they never stop amazing me, with their remarks and the looks. Never stopping to think for a moment on the effect their remarks and looks have on the people who recieve them. Or rather who are subjected to them.Why are we so cruel to people who are different from us? Whos lifepatterns differ from ours? Why don't we embrace the differences and see them for what they are; opportunities to learn something new. Maybe something better, at least a chance for change.I don't know.
But I do know this, I've gone through alot in my 20 years on this planet, and I've had to deal with alot of it on my own while my parents (two true fighters) where out trying to provide for our family. I've had to grow up pretty fast, too fast and what effect it's had on me everyone can see. I'm so used to do everything on my own, to fight my and everyone elses battles on my own that I've become distanced from everything. It's easier to not feel anything, to just let go of emotions or to sweep them under the rug.
But now, after all this time, I've finally started to realize my problems. I can't deal with everything on my own, and if I keep pushing everyone away from me at some point they're not going to come back. And I'll end up alone, again. And that is a fear I've had for a long, long time. But I'm a survivor, I manage to land on my feet most of the times. And if I wasn't I wouldn't be here today. Many people who have been through half of what I've been through have given up and ended their young lives. I'm not about to do that, not now after all the stuff I've managed to pull through. I have a pretty firm grip around life, and I won't give it up for anything. Not for a long, long time.
And if I lose all I still have music, a great comfort. Because it let's me relax for a moment to truly lose myself in it. In that moment, when all is good and the darkness is so so far away. On a different continent and with it all the fears. I'm here today because my mother never lost faith in me, and because of the help I've gotten from music. So when they say that music takes lives, remember me and know that it couldn't be further from the truth.
And I am writing this simply because of my love for music and for life. With a big thank you to my mother, who forever will be my one and only hero!
Thanks for your time,
Bell
